Risque Joke in The Pub Forum

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Risque Joke

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Arnie	Risque Joke		Lead	[-]
Posts: 544 Mar 3 11 8:40 PM	Tags : None Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed. Arnie
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dana		#1	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1307 Mar 3 11 9:39 PM	Funny.
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jjr272		#2	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 9 11 11:30 AM	There's no pleasing some women.......... Paddy murphy paid £5,000 for a boob job for his wife and she was over the moon. He then paid £2,000 on a nose job for his wife and she was ecstatic He then paid a paultry £30 on a blow job for himself and she was livid!!! ............................... After 50 years of marriage paddy murphys wife turned to him at breakfast table and said with twinkle in her eye..... "My breasts are as hot today, as the day you met me!" Paddy replied.... "I know!!......That's because one's in your porridge and the other's in your coffee. Lean back sweetheart" Later that evening they go out for a celebratory drink in the pub. Paddy raises his pint and with tears welling up in his eyes, he says...... "I dont know how i would have survived without you, i love you so much!" His wife replied..... "Is that you or the beer talking?" "It's me talking to the beer" ............................. Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her. "Excuse me sweetheart, have you got a pen?" Blushing, the woman softly replies..... "Yes" Paddy replied..... "Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!" ....john
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jjr272		#3	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 10 11 6:01 AM	I know some of these are ancient!!!....john Paddy murphy keeps drinking brake fluid and his wife told him to go to the doctors. He said no, cos he can stop anytime he wants. ................... If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letterbox at the front door, which one do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in! .................. Marriage is a wonderful invention.......but so is a bicycle repair kit (billy conolly) .................. How do you make your husband consider a candle-lit dinner?......start by throwing water over the fuse box .............. What's the smartest thing a man can say?..... "my wife tells me........" .................. I've often heard it said that you can always drown your troubles..... Trust me to marry an olympic swimmer .............. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well and i was stunned.....I never knew they worked!! ............. My mother-in-law says she's going to dance on my grave when i die........ so ive decided to be buried at sea. ...................... I can always tell when the mother-in-law is coming round....... the mice start throwing themselves in the traps ............... My wife can tell when her mother is coming round...... She always finds me at the front door, ripping the welcome sign off the mat ................ I've a feeling my wife doesnt like me......When i had a suspected heart attack, she sprang into action and wrote for an ambulance ................ Why is pyschotherapy a lot quicker for men than women?........ When its time to go back to your childhood, he's already there. ................. On our first date my wife-to-be invited me to sample her signature dish, which is her souffle, and accidentally dropped a spoonfull on my shoe....... luckily the surgeons worked all night and managed to save my foot Edited 3 times by jjr272 Mar 11 11 3:23 AM.
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jjr272		#4	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 10 11 11:37 AM	Paddy murphy suprised everyone by buying himself a porsche and his mother-in-law a jaguar. The suprise died down after the jaguar had bitten her a few times ........................ Paddy murphy picked up his mother-in-law at the airport last night and burst into tears the following morning. He's resigned to the fact that either the airport needs to improve its lighting, or he needs glasses and his sense of smell looking at. ...................... Why did paddy murphy recently scour the car boot sales every weekend, without fail? He recently bought her a chair but cant find a plug for it, that'll fit the mains ................. What do you do if your mother-in-law is neck deep in quick drying concrete? Mix some more ............................ Paddy murphy went out on the beer and got so drunk he woke up next to something that was cold and smelt of p*ss and fish. He was suprised and relieved to have made it home safe and sound, considering how much he'd drank! ........................ Why was paddy murphy crying as he inserted a new battery in the clock? It fell off the wall and he thought if it'd been a minute faster, it would have hit his mother law. ........................................... When questioned, what did 100 men say the ideal mother-in-law should weigh? About 2 pounds, if you include the urn ..................... Why did paddy murphy take his mother-in-law on his honeymoon? The thought of kissing her goodbye was more scarey than the inconvenience and expense Edited 3 times by jjr272 Mar 10 11 2:50 PM.
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jjr272		#5	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 10 11 12:01 PM	We got a new car for the mother-in-law That government scrappage scheme is fantastic! ........................... Getting the mother-in-law to accept a free holiday was easy. Convincing her 'Dignitas', was swiss for relaxing spa, was a lot harder ................... Paddy murphy has been charged for throwing his mother-in-law into the lions den. The rspca said this is a typical animal cruelty case so will throw the book at him and the police are looking into a possible littering charge. ........................ Why should bigamists be jailed for a long time? If they're able to manage two mother-in-laws, they're obviously a danger to society
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jjr272		#6	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 14 11 12:29 PM	The England football team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town, South Africa, on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jabutu Umboto, aged 6.
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jjr272		#7	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 14 11 12:39 PM	What did the captain of scotlands football team do after winning the World Cup? He put down the controller and turned off his x-box. (hope munchy catches this one) ............................................. Chelsea are proud to report that the surface of their football pitch has been nominated as the best pitch in the world...........I'm not suprised when you consider how much sh*t is on it, week-in and week-out. ............................... Why have chelsea supporters been planting potatoes?........so they've got something to lift at the end of the season Edited 1 time by jjr272 Mar 14 11 12:46 PM.
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jjr272		#8	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 14 11 1:44 PM	Whats 5 foot long and keeps a d*ck warm? A manchester city scarf ................................... I found a manchester city shirt on my neighbours lawn this morning.........it looks like the phantom clothes-peg snatcher has struck again ............................... Daffy duck is staying in a posh hotel and decides to order some condoms, over the phone... The receptionists asks....."Shall i put them on your bill?" I'd thuppokate, if you do! ........................... This is a simple test to see if you understand real english Read this aloud................ this is this cat this is is cat this is how cat this is to cat this is keep cat this is a cat this is fool cat this is busy cat this is for cat this is forty cat this is seconds cat Now go back and read the third word in each line Edited 1 time by jjr272 Mar 14 11 1:50 PM.
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jjr272		#9	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 14 11 2:01 PM	A little boy asks his dad: 'Where does poo come from, dad?' His dad explained, as he's a biology teacher, that food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach… Where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal… This reaction then extracts protein… Before waste products descend via the colon… And then the rectum… Before emerging as 'poo'. "Blimey" , says the little boy, who now looks a shade queasy....."I dont think i'll bother asking where tigger and piglet come from, now dad!! - ............................................... A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After two hundred and seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I used to be a popular, call girl in venice' Edited 1 time by jjr272 Mar 14 11 2:05 PM.
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jjr272		#10	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 16 11 5:49 AM	90% of male chelsea supporters say they enjoy sex in the shower.........the other 10% havent been in prison yet ................................... (i like this one lol. Btw, 'B & Q' is a chain of DIY stores) I went up to paddy murphy while on holiday in ireland and asked him....."Excuse me, is there a B & Q in dublin?" He paused for a moment before replying......"I'm not sure, but im fairly certain there's two D's in dundalk" ......................... A Polish immigrant goes into the Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him a card with C Z I W N O S T A C Z "Do you know what that is?" "I should do, its my brother!" ...................................... 10 quotes from british tv 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her *** this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' .................................. 2 women called at my door & asked me what bread I ate. I said,"white". They then lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for the next 30mins! Dont you just hate those bloody Hovis Witnesses!
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jjr272		#11	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 16 11 6:06 AM	How do you turn a dishwasher into an efficient snow-plough? Give her a shovel and tell her to get a move on ............................. Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's flatmate, Jennifer, was. Ben's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over thecourse of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just flatmates.' About week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Ben Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum ......................... I know theres a lot of anger against the catholic church and its priests, but you have to remember..........priests can be moved up and down.......but bishops can only move diagonally (sorry for the chess joke, but it made me chuckle lol)
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HuckFinn		#12	[url]	[-]
Posts: 767 Mar 16 11 2:28 PM	jjr272 wrote: (sorry for the chess joke, but it made me chuckle lol) All great jokes, john... although I didn't really understand the ones about Chelsea. Still I knew you were being nice in some way, so I laughed at those as well. Huck The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain
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jjr272		#13	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 17 11 6:35 AM	The teacher says to her class of young kids..... 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter or stammer,' she says... A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, started spitting and went...... Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'SHIT!', the Rottweiler killed her! ....................................... Why are women like snow flakes? They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when you hold them gently. Why is a man like a snow fall? You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. ............................. A vicar has 3 sons . The oldest reaches his 18th birthday and his dad asks him '' What job do you want to do?'' ''I want to be a vicar just like you Dad'' comes the answer. 'Good lad;; says the vicar '' here's a couple of Grand to help you get started'' he hands the boy two thousand pounds. A few years later the 2nd son reaches 18 and is asked what he wants to be, he also says he wants to be a vicar '' Good boy , heres a couple of Grand to help your studies'' again the vicar hands over two thousand pounds. The youngest son's 18th comes around and again the vicar asks '' What do you want to be ?'' ''I want to be a farmer ! says the youngest lad. On hearing this the vicar kicks the lad in the balls "What was that for dad?" "If you want to be a farmer, i thought i'd get you started with a couple of acres!!"' ....................................... Paddy murphys wife at the Divorce Court telling the Judge about her years of abuse etc, and at the end of the hearing the Judge orders paddy to stand up and tells him "From the evidence I've just heard from your poor wife I have no hesitation in granting her a divorce from you and I'm also awarding her £100 per week alimony" Paddy replied. "Bejaysus, dats very good your honour, I'll try and slip her a few quid myself, when i can" Edited 1 time by jjr272 Mar 17 11 6:42 AM.
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jjr272		#14	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 18 11 7:11 AM	HuckFinn wrote: jjr272 wrote: (sorry for the chess joke, but it made me chuckle lol) All great jokes, john... ............ I loved the one about the man city scarf LOL Obviously you can change it to another teams scarf, so it can be funny for anyone. My brother didnt seem to like it for some reason Shame they got knocked out of europe, along with liverpool, last night. Its costing me a fortune in dry cleaning bills with my heart bleeding so much <<NOT!! ..................... although I didn't really understand the ones about Chelsea. ............. Being daft enough to be a chelsea fan in the first place, is the crux of the problem, sweetheart ................. Still I knew you were being nice in some way, so I laughed at those as well. ............ Good girl, you know it makes sense .....john
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jjr272		#15	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 18 11 7:23 AM	A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' ...................... Split up with the missus last night. She said I think more about football than I think of her! I was devastated....I've been with her 12 seasons! ....................... A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidentally cuts off the mans balls. He quickly inserts two onions and sews his scrotum back up. One month later the man goes back for a check up. Any problems? said the surgeon. 'A few' said the man, I cry when I piss, my wife gets heartburn after performing fellatio and I get a hard on when I pass a hot dog stand. ..................................... A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex. He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game" She says " For god's sake watch this..........you already know how to play football"....
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HuckFinn		#16	[url]	[-]
Posts: 767 Mar 18 11 12:41 PM	jjr272 wrote: A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex. He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game" She says " For god's sake watch this..........you already know how to play football".... Now this one's pretty funny. But, y'know, I doubt that a real man would ever think of watching porn instead of football. Huck The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain
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jjr272		#17	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 21 11 4:58 AM	HuckFinn wrote: jjr272 wrote: A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex. He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game" She says " For god's sake watch this..........you already know how to play football".... Now this one's pretty funny. But, y'know, I doubt that a real man would ever think of watching porn instead of football. .................................................. Did you hear about this huck? We've all been sent the census over here...... http://www.bitterwallet.c...17-why-is-it-blank/41524 I put the city joke in the blank square (honest) So if i get locked up, its been fun talking to you all .....john
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jjr272		#18	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 21 11 11:39 AM	Arnie at school....... Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate. A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals. The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for. A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating. The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for. Little arnie at the back of the class puts his hand up and says My next door neighbour has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous t*ts, she can only fasten eight.
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jjr272		#19	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1959 Mar 21 11 11:57 AM	Two tramps talking to each other. The first one said..... "When I was a boy, I wanted to become a brain surgeon." Second tramp asked..... "What stopped you, then?" The first tramp replied........ "They dont allow children into the operating theatre, no matter how eager they are to be a brain surgeon" ............................. A woman who had been on the game (a prostitute) for quite a few years, was finally getting married. She was worried about the size of her private downstairs parts and after the wedding she told her new husband that a few years ago, she was climbing over a fence into a field when her private downstairs parts got caught on the fence. "That's fine, no problem" said her loving new husband After a few minutes in bed together her husband said to her..... "Just how far across that field were you when when you found that your privates was caught???!" ............................ I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is? .............................. Always, ALWAYS, keep your condoms in your car. .................................................. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." ................................ What do you call a high court judge with no thumbs? Just his fingers (corny or what? lol)....john
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HuckFinn		#20	[url]	[-]
Posts: 767 Mar 21 11 11:58 AM	jjr272 wrote: Arnie at school....... Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate. A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals. The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for. A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating. The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for. Little arnie at the back of the class puts his hand up and says My next door neighbour has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous tts, she can only fasten eight. Great accent.* Huck The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. Mark Twain
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